Wednesday, September 16, 2015

The Fear

I recently picked up the book What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty at the library. I haven't finished it yet but it is a story that brought to the surface a fear I try to keep buried.

My grandmother suffered from Alzheimer's. I think it is the most terrible disease. You forget. You lose your memories. You forget the most important people and how to do the most important things. My only comfort is in my grandmothers final days the thing that remained was her faith.

For me my biggest fear was losing my mom to this disease. My mom is my supporter, my adviser, my cheerleader, my prayer warrior and so much more. The thought of looking into her face and having her eyes search mine to come up empty just rocks me to my core. But through a lot of prayer God has given me peace about this. (And all that research you see about coffee and grandparents babysitting their grandkids,,,she has those things down!)

Now the fears I work through are losing my own memories. Will it skip a generation? Will I forget my children? Will I forget the stories that made us who we are? That tied us together? Will I forget my love for Adam? Will I loose the the recognition of the blessing he is to me? And before I do will I say all that I need to say to those I love?

I am praying through this little surfacing moment and asking God that He show me something through it. And He is. He is telling me heart to love fierce. When it gets busy and stressful to not lose sight of the how fleeting it all is. His little hand may not fit like it does in mine much longer. He won't sleep with a football and a stuffed puppy forever. He is also reminding me to act on my impulses to connect. Send that text. Mail stickers to that little one. Leave a happy on the porch for that friend. Pray for that person in the moment. And also to record it. To take the time to blog and snap that picture so if for some reason I don't have the words for them one day the words and pictures expressing my love will be there for them.

Thankful for the reminder....


Your MAMMA said...

Just saw this post. I understand your fear. You watched me lose my mother. My cheerleader. My counselor. My prayer warrior. My best friend, to a horrible thief of a disease. It rocked me to my very core and you watched while I teetered. It was a most difficult test of faith. For me. For my beloved father. For my own daughters. You used to ask me how I could keep going to visit Grandma when she did not remember who I was. How could I stand that? Do you remember my answer? I went to see her because I remembered her and when she could no longer remember me, or her husband or even where her own mother was, I could remember for her. That was the part of the answer I could understand and explain at the time. It took some time for me to realize that I was also watching to see if God remembered her and how she suffered. That is the part I now want to make sure YOU remember. When my mother died and I stood numbly at her funeral, there was a moment that changed me forever. Very, very suddenly I came to realize that my mother was no longer held captive by her failing memory and body. She had been set free to KNOW. She now knew God and now experienced the truth of all His promises coming true....and now she remembered me as well. I was restored to the memory of my mother in that moment, but also to very much more. I, too, was restored to Truth at that moment. I knew again, that God is faithful to His promise to never leave or forsake us, no matter what. HE never left my mother alone, trapped, as it seemed to my eyes, by the limits of her memory or understanding. It was exactly then, as I stood at her funeral, that I knew for sure that He would never leave me either. That He will be with me to the very end of my days.....and into eternity..and that He will also be with you, my precious daughter. We WILL truly be together before Him in eternity, remembering, together.....Perfect love casts out all fear!
No matter what the future holds we can be sure of that.
I love you forever. I love you for always.

Robin said...

Oh The Fear. How I understand that. So grateful for your heart and how you are sharing!

Laudan said...

I am just reading this post and I totally understand too. That disease runs in my mom's family too and is something I have always feared. It also runs in Trey's family so I worry for our kids! Your mom's precious comment brought tears to my eyes - so encouraging! Love you!