Since January I feel that the Lord has been working on my heart in a new way. I am participating in a Bible Study Wednesday nights at church that is really speaking to where I was at the moment called the Victoriously Frazzled Female. And I certainly am frazzled. I feel that Psalm 91:1 is truly the verse of my semester. "Those who dwell in the shelter of the Most High will remain stable and fixed. " Chaos and stress will rule my heart and life unless I dwell in the presence of the Lord. And except for a backslide in the past couple of weeks I feel that I have developed a habit or almost craving for that time with God. But in this backslide I am feeling like Noah at bed time sprawled out on the floor kicking and screaming. I feel like my heart is being poisoned. Like the negative attitudes and profanity and stress and apathy and disrespect and so on are killing my spirit everyday. And I am left questioning over and over:
WHY DO YOU WANT ME HERE?
WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO FACE THIS?
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!
I am like a whiny toddler. Who obeys but in an ugly way. In the past week or so I have felt this tug to add exercise to my routine. So I joined Planet Fitness for ten bucks a month and I have been going in the morning and showering there and getting ready there. On the treadmill I am walking for two minutes and running for two minutes. And I am getting rid of stress. I am working things out on the treadmill. I am praying and pouring myself out. Singing praise and worship (in my head). This morning I was listening to this song, Broken by Lifehouse. The lyrics completely pierced my heart. My whiny toddler heart. My struggles are nothing in the grand scheme of things. But you know what? God cares. God wants to hear that I feel like I am barely keeping it together. And He wants me to hold onto Him and His Word. He wants me to find my way home again and again. So while I am running it out on the treadmill He wants me to lay my heart bare. Even though He already knows what is inside. And even though I am kicking and screaming on the inside, I am obeying. I am hanging on day by day and trying to show His light and glory to others. And it is honoring Him. And He loves me. Oh how He loves me. Here are the song lyrics just in case they might speak to you as they did to me.
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time And I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing With a broken heart that's still beating In the pain there is healing In your name I find meaning The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing With a broken heart that's still beating In the pain (In the pain) there's the healing In your name (In your name) I find meaning So I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin') I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin') I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin') I'm barely holdin' on to you I'm hanging on another day Just to see what you will throw my way And I'm hanging on to the words you say You said that I would, would be ok The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing With a broken heart that's still beating In the pain (In the pain) there is healing In your name (In your name) I find meaning So I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin) I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin') I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin') I'm barely holdin' on to you