I feel guilty. A lot. It is one of my weaknesses. I think it is a battleground between me and Satan. I feel guilty over my relationship with the boys. For a long time I felt guilty about the way I had to leave them in the care of others as little babies. Now I feel guilty for being excited that school started back up and I could leave them in the care of others. I think I let myself believe sometimes that that means I don't love them as much as other mothers love their kids. Because I do not miss them terribly during the day. I do miss them. But only a little. Guilt is a way Satan makes me feel that I am unworthy. That I do not do enough. That God can not be pleased with my little boring life. All lies of course. But still a struggle....like today.
Today I found myself looking at my little ones as they played. Sometimes laughing and sometimes wrestling or whining with each other. Other times involved alone in a world all of their own imaginings. Noah with his football men (Auburn vs. LSU, away) and Miller in a puppy costume playing construction vehicles. I studied them. Their sweet faces and expressions. I do this sometimes to try to freeze them in my mind at this age. I feel guilty because I can barely pull up memories of them as babies. Of the little everyday moments that define their little personalities. Why did not pay more attention? I can barely remember what it felt like to give Noah his last bottle of the day in the green chair and rock him until we were both practically asleep. I don't remember anymore Miller crawling around the house. And then my guilty mind took me many places.... How well do I really know them? Do I take the time to actually really know them and their developing personality or do I try to shape them the way I want to see them?
At dinner I pulled out the Veggie Tale Family Devotional and our lesson was on Communicating with God and getting to know Him by spending time with Him. Tonight was the activity part. It was to create top 5 lists (of desserts, sports teams, dinners) and have family members try to guess. (Miller of course abandoned dinner before this devotional activity to play construction.) It was just the perfect tiny reminder from God to me that I do know my babies. I can always expect Noah to have a predictable answer and an unpredictible one (like triple doughnuts?And Georgia State?) and I can expect Miller to do his own thing on his own terms. And I don't have to remember things perfectly, because I have done a pretty decent job of recording things for myself here.