The Desires of My Heart

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of the of your heart." Psalms 37:4

Miller was asleep for his morning nap. Noah and I made S'mores on the grill. I started The Help. Noah played in the sandbox. I looked up from my book to see that he had taken his shirt off. And he had his trucks and cars and diggers and has just happy. He was running around and I found myself staring at his little belly button and thinking about how I carried him in me for 35 weeks. We were attached. Right there at his little belly button. My choices for him then were simple. I was so easy to nurture him and to keep him safe when he was folded safely away inside. I look and watch him play in wonder. His childhood will be quick. Almost four years gone in just a blink of an eye. He has taught me so much about the nature of true love. Of patience. Of the nature of God. Of my limits. And how they are not as close as I thought. And I could not love him more.

Tonight I was standing in the pool watching Noah and Adam play. And trying to keep my baby who knows no fear from drowning. Miller looked up at me with those eyes and smiled and then suddenly his frantic attempts to jump headfirst into the water ceased. And he leaned against me and rested. His trust and love for me, for Adam and for Noah is refreshing. It encourages me. It restores me. He is beautiful and innocent. He is a vessel of God's joy and love. It is a privilege to be his mother. And I soak in every second I can.

Growing up I thought that Psalm 37:4 meant that if you were good and diligent in your obedience to God you would be rewarded. But as I have gotten older and closer to the Lord I see it in a completely different light. As I find delight in His Word and His works and His creation I find that He gives me the desires of my heart. As in He put in my heart the desire to be a mother because He knew it would stretch me and I would love it even when it is hard. He put in me the desire to teach because He knew how it would fit in with my goals as a mother. Lately He is molding my desires and changing them. I desire to challenge my body and wake up at dawn to do so. I desire to spend time adoring Him. And thanking him for all he has given me including these two babies who are truly dreams of mine come true. I desire to impact my community and friends with His joy and love. My desires are changing from fancy vacations and a closet full of expensive clothes to more time with these boys, building memories, a longer run, a great salad, new ways to save money, a new craft project, a uninterrupted talk with Adam. God is molding and changing my desires to what He knows is best for me. Best for those He has me in place to impact. Best for the bigger story He is writing. Now if He could mold my desires to be a really clean house and totally clean laundry :)