The Last Afternoon

Thursday morning Noah and I braved the 107 degree heat index to go to the library, pick up Miller's diaper bag from being monogrammed, and to the grocery store to buy Graham crackers, which in Noah's opinion you simply can't be out of. The heat had completely drained me so during naptime I laid down too. But Noah had been so sweet and well behaved at the library I had actually had the chance to grab three books for myself and I was excited to read. I was eight chapters in before I realized I had read this one before so I surrendered to my exhaustion and attempted to fall asleep just as Noah began to rouse. As I watched him wiggle and bang his head on the video monitor I had a deep feeling in my heart that this was going to be our last afternoon alone together. This feeling of course made me very nostalgic and I thought about what I could do to make this afternoon special.

In the meantime Noah fell back asleep. Twenty minutes later I was so pumped about our afternoon together that I woke him up. Who does that? What mom wakes up a two year old from a nap? I decided we would make chocolate chip cookies. I let him taste each ingredient (except raw eggs of course) and we talked non stop the whole time. How fun it is to have real conversations with Noah. Its kind of surreal because it feels like yesterday he couldn't speak and at the same time it feels like he has always been asking nine hundred questions a minute. Because I was feeling sentimental and I thoroughly believe that chocolate chip cookies from scratch are the best before they are cooked I let him lick the beater and maybe the bowl too. (I know maybe some of you are appalled but you know I have pictures of me doing the same at his age and I turned out reasonably okay.)

When our cookies were ready we packed up some to share with Brooke and Jennifer. I abandoned all of the things needing to be done for dinner and we played outside for several hours. Most of our street came outdoors. We were on the edge of a rainstorm. It never rained but we benefited from a cool breeze and cloud cover. Noah, Brooke, Ava and Griffin all two year olds were running around holding hands and peeking through fences looking at dogs and then running when they would bark. At one point the four of them were laying on their backs in the grass kicking their legs in the air and wiggling their fingers in the air. I am not sure what they were up to but it was pretty amusing. Some of the older kids were attempting to play kickball with one of the dads and once and a while one of the younger ones would come in to kick and run to first base. The moms stood on the curb discussing pre school, kindergarten, pregnancy (two others are also expecting), and ways to get me to go into labor.

It was past eight o'clock before Adam and I wrangled Noah indoors for dinner and bath. I have to say I enjoyed our little afternoon together. Since it is Saturday and I am clearly not in labor I'm not sure my feeling was right. Maybe God just gave me the feeling so I wouldn't squander some of our dwindling time together on the computer in front of the TV. Even so I hope the afternoon spoke some of these truths to Noah's little heart, things I would want to tell him before his brother is born if he could understand them all:

My Dear Sweet Noah,

Oh how Mommy loves you. You are so special to me. I delight in watching you grow into a little boy and I know I will love watching you grow into a man one day, though a part of me longs to keep you little and in my lap always. I always want you to be sure of my love for you. (And your Daddy's too). Though my love for you isn't perfect like your Heavenly Father's it is unconditional. It will never change. Miller can't change how much or deep I love you. He will change our time together but not our love. Even though I get tired and impatient sometimes you are the light of my life. You made my dreams come true by making me a mother. I didn't think I could love you anymore than the instant they put you in my arms for the first time but everyday when you make your cute little faces or crack yourself up with a new joke, or whisper I love you Mommy as I tuck you in I fall even more in love. I fall even more in love when you are being a little rascal because even then you are you and you are adorable. I hope somewhere in your little two year old heart you recognize my unwavering delight and love for you. And I hope in some way and some day it will reflect to you the Father's love for you even in my imperfect ways.

I love you ALWAYS,

Mommy