I am going to be honest about this week. This week has been very hard. Not because any major problems. We are all alive, employed, and moderately healthy. But all these tiny details of life and little things facing me have really started to add up and have pushed me into overwhelm.
Little things......
economic worries over both our jobs
apathy in my students, disrespect, exhaustion on my part of trying so hard, paperwork, referrals, grading, planning, staying organized
role as prom chair, 200 champagne glasses that came without candles, invoices, fundraisers that don't go as planned, students that don't show up to help
Noah's aggressive streak turning on me, (he's hitting me in the face all the time!), his little digestive tract
Subconscious worry about who knows what.
All the little things turn into stress that my body internalizes and then manifests itself into major headaches, blisters on my eyelids, grinding my teeth, sleepless nights, stomach issues. By Thursday I was a wreck. And I felt so silly. Such small things that I do have under control. I have been crying out to God any chance I had asking for break. Some release. Some rest. Perhaps word on the Magnet School position. Thursday turned into a nightmare that I won't go into. But ended up with me crying in my department chair's room after fourth period. After a pep talk and some instructions on confrontation I slinked back into my classroom to calm down before picking up Noah. I didn't really calm down. My mind was going a hundred miles an hour over all the things on the to do list and my inablity to get it done. My inabilty to love those around me with God's perfect love. When I did get home I discovered Noah had a fever of 102, and the all the same symptoms of his friend next door who was home with the flu.
I am feeling better. My mom came yesterday to care for Noah because Adam is working on a project at work he could not neglect. And I am still negative days in the sick bank. I found comfort in her delight over my son and the joy in my dad's face when he joined us for dinner. And in the arms of Adam when he finally finshed his project and joined me to sleep through thunderstorms. And I felt calm as the weather outside raged and I was safe in the dark of my bedroom in the arms who protect and love me no matter how weak I feel.
I think that the pressure of keeping it all together and making it look easy does us all a diservice. I am not meant or designed to be able to handle it all. I am designed to have flaws. To have weakness. To show this weakness to the world. So that I can need God to make me strong. So that he can shape and mold me to show the world is strength in my weakness. So I hope that be sharing my weakness in these little things that overwhelmed me can encourage and bring hope to those of you who can sometimes also feel overtaken. (There are others who feel like this right??)
2 comments:
oh man, Carrie, my heart is going out to you. All of that sounds very overwhelming to me, and I understand the worry and sleepless nights!! And I understand dealing with those high school students. It's often a thankless job, isn't it?
As for Noah hitting you in the face, we are going through that. The only thing that works for us is pinching. I have started pinching Ada very hard on her inner thigh or under her arm, and it immediately breaks her will, so that I am able to comfort her and discipline her. We spend so much time (often in public places!!!) with her fighting against me and hitting me, etc., and she immediately crumbles into me if I pinch her, and I am able to regain control. I don't know if it will help you, but it has been the only thing that works for us.
i love you, carrie! thank you for sharing your weaknesses - like you said, it's the only way others can see the incredible strength of an Almighty God in our lives. i'm sorry you've had such a rough week. i am praying for you and that through all of these things God will continue to comfort, give you strength, and keep teaching you about Him. let's talk soon!
Post a Comment